Subject:
Self-introduction
Dear
Professor Blackstone,
I am Ong
Jun Heng, a student in your class,SIE2016-Effective Communication.I am a Year 1 student currently studying Sustainable
Infrastructure Engineering (Land). I am just like any ordinary Singaporean who
went through the typical education path and graduated from Ngee Ann
Polytechnic with a Diploma in Mechanical Engineering.
I am fearful to encounter failure as I tend to be more of a perfectionist. I
struggled to enjoy engineering initially as I do not always get my desired
outcome during experiments. But I learned to enjoy it over the years as I got
to do more hands on and was able to understand the technical stuff when I put
my hands to it. The most memorable experience I had in the field of engineering
was a practical lesson that taught us how to dismantle and overhaul a car
engine. I was amazed by the complexity of the car engine which stirred my desire to learn more. Studying engineering allows me to
fail and try again through prototype-making and simulations.
My
weaknesses in communication are not being able to express myself fully through my
body language as well as my tone of speech. I am also very fearful of public
speaking. Usually I am more reserved when interacting with others and be very
tensed up in front of a huge audience. A nickname that was given to me was “Man
of few words”. But I am much more comfortable in smaller groups and with my peers.
However, my strength is being able to share an idea clearly and directly with
anyone. I go straight to the point and summarize my entire message.
I hope that
through this module, I will be able to sharpen public speaking skills as well
as being able to express myself more holistically.
Best
Regards,
Ong Jun
Heng
Edited on 03/10/19
Commented on Zhi Qi's,Kang Le's and Jocelyn's blog
Hi Jun Heng, I've read your formal letter and I want to point out the lovely fact that, despite being bound by the same word count, you've managed to weave more of your own writing flair into your letter than most of the other writings I've read so far.
ReplyDeleteI found some slight grammatical errors though, and here they are.
[Suggested corrections in brackets (excluding details)]
_
1)Inappropriate contractions in a formal letter
>"I struggled to enjoy engineering initially as I don’t always get my desired outcome during experiments."
[don't > do not]
>"...-though it’s very complex it stirs my desire to want to learn more."
[though it is/was]
2)verb after "to" must be present-tense
>"But I learned to enjoyed it over the years-..."
[learned to *enjoy* it]
3)Tense consistency
>"I was amazed by what I saw in the car engine, though it’s very complex it stirs my desire to want to learn more."
[I was amazed by what I saw though it *was* complex, *it stirred* my desire]
_
Thank you for your comments
DeleteHi Jun Heng, Zhi Qi here~. i really like how personal your letter was. It is well written but i felt that there are some areas where it could be improve on.
ReplyDelete1. "But I learned to enjoyed" -> learnt to enjoy
2. "I don’t always" should be I do not as dont is a contraction
3. "it’s very complex" should be it is/was complex as its is a contraction
4. "I was amazed by what I saw in the car engine, though it’s very complex it stirs my desire to want to learn more. " I was amazed by the complexity of the car enginer which stirred my desire to want to learn more about it.
5. "Usually" should be written as "usually."
Thanks for commenting
DeleteHi Jun Heng, your content is concise. However, I feel that there are some points that I identified. I apologize if I am wrong.
ReplyDelete1. “…have graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic with a Diploma of Mechanical Engineering.”
[should be 'Diploma in Mechanical Engineering']
2. “But I learned to enjoyed it over the years as I got to…”
[enjoy instead of enjoyed]
Thank you for your comments
DeleteDear Jun Heng,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this generally clear, concise and yet fairly complete self-introduction. You've followed the model presented in class and developed a letter that addresses the task requirements with some good detail. I appreciate, for example, the explanation of your developing interest in engineering and how you connect that with a review of your dissatisfaction with failure. I also like the way you have detailed your weaknesses and strengths in communication.
You also address your goals for the module. Of course, we will touch on all those issues in the module. In addition, we will deal directly with writing, and so I suggest you review these language areas:
1. word use/phrasing
-- one of your effective communication class > (One of many) ?
-- My weaknesses in communication are not able to express ... > (noun for = noun form)
My weaknesses in communication are not being able to express
2. verb use
-- who went through the typical education path and have graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic with a Diploma in Mechanical Engineering. > (lack of parallel verb tense structure)
who went through the typical education path and graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic with a Diploma in Mechanical Engineering.
-- I struggled to enjoy engineering initially as I do not always. > (tense and lack of consistency) ?
-- I will be able to sharpen public speaking skills as well as learning to be able to express > (lack of parallel structure)
-- -- I am more reserved when interacting with others and be very tensed up > (wrong verb and wrong form)
and become very tensed up
3. overuse of capitalization
-- see https://wmich.edu/writing/rules/capitalization
Let me know if you have any questions.
Cheers,
Brad
Thank you for your elaborated comments.
Delete